1 00:01:00,560 --> 00:01:04,519 Eugh. This one doesn't look any happier than yours. 2 00:01:05,331 --> 00:01:09,290 You'd look like this if you were 2,000 years old and made of terracotta. 3 00:01:09,335 --> 00:01:12,031 Why doesn't Sir Desmond just put it up for auction? 4 00:01:12,072 --> 00:01:14,700 The good doctor already has a buyer, the Bank of Nanking. 5 00:01:14,741 --> 00:01:18,336 But the bank wants the provenance of a highly respected antique dealer. 6 00:01:18,378 --> 00:01:21,142 - Lovejoy... - Auctioneers take ten per cent, Jane. 7 00:01:21,181 --> 00:01:23,172 Porcelain, I could understand. 8 00:01:23,216 --> 00:01:26,310 - But prehistoric pigs from Shanghai... - Xi'an Dong Ling Tse. 9 00:01:26,352 --> 00:01:28,479 It's where they found that army of clay soldiers. 10 00:01:28,521 --> 00:01:31,251 And Sir Desmond Clark finds one clay pig. 11 00:01:31,291 --> 00:01:33,452 It's not the looks that count, Jane. 12 00:01:34,294 --> 00:01:37,320 It's how long it's lasted. It's... like marriage 13 00:01:37,363 --> 00:01:40,628 This one's been around since the 5th century BC, 14 00:01:40,667 --> 00:01:42,897 which means it's worth about half a million quid, 15 00:01:42,936 --> 00:01:44,961 of which we take two per cent. 16 00:01:45,004 --> 00:01:46,733 Imagine, Jane. 17 00:01:46,773 --> 00:01:52,609 To hold in our hand something that's been buried away for 24 centuries. 18 00:01:55,548 --> 00:01:57,880 That's enough about marriage. 19 00:01:57,917 --> 00:02:00,511 How can you provenance it? You're not an expert. 20 00:02:00,553 --> 00:02:01,781 No. 21 00:02:02,989 --> 00:02:07,483 But Flat Fee Lee is. And he only wants 500 quid. 22 00:02:09,329 --> 00:02:11,092 (Muttering in Chinese) 23 00:02:11,131 --> 00:02:13,463 Why do you call him Flat Fee Lee? 24 00:02:13,500 --> 00:02:16,162 Because he never speculates. Always takes cash up front, 25 00:02:16,202 --> 00:02:17,863 never gives anything away. 26 00:02:17,904 --> 00:02:19,667 - Inscrutable. - Unscrupulous. 27 00:02:19,706 --> 00:02:23,506 Lee Chan. You look exhausted. You had a hard day? 28 00:02:23,543 --> 00:02:25,534 (Liverpool accent) You're not kidding. 29 00:02:25,578 --> 00:02:28,138 Some of these buggers think they invented the flu. 30 00:02:30,683 --> 00:02:32,674 (Metal tapping) 31 00:02:36,089 --> 00:02:38,523 Aren't you going to sell it with the wheels on? 32 00:02:38,558 --> 00:02:40,549 I'm just knocking the rust off. 33 00:02:43,263 --> 00:02:46,460 Well, knock it into a safe place - you paid good money for that rust. 34 00:02:46,499 --> 00:02:48,228 I got it on a trade-in. 35 00:02:48,268 --> 00:02:51,294 I only hope I can sell it before that farmer finds out what he's done. 36 00:02:51,337 --> 00:02:54,636 - He's done you, by the looks of it. - Yeah, well, that's what he thought. 37 00:02:54,674 --> 00:02:57,142 But this happens to be a unique motorcycle, 38 00:02:57,177 --> 00:03:00,442 just about one of the first motorbikes in history. And it's complete. 39 00:03:00,480 --> 00:03:03,210 - Complete what? - All in one piece! 40 00:03:03,249 --> 00:03:06,685 There's over 200 handmade components in this, Tinker. 41 00:03:06,719 --> 00:03:09,017 And they're all here after 90 years. 42 00:03:09,856 --> 00:03:12,086 Well, which is the front end? 43 00:03:12,125 --> 00:03:15,185 That's the passenger seat, this is the driver's seat. 44 00:03:15,228 --> 00:03:18,493 - D'you want a ride? - What, you're gonna make this heap go? 45 00:03:18,531 --> 00:03:21,864 It already goes. I've got a buyer coming over from Germany. 46 00:03:21,901 --> 00:03:24,893 He should be here by now. He sounded very expert. 47 00:03:25,605 --> 00:03:29,974 Where is he, then? Cruelly efficient as a rule, the Germans. 48 00:03:30,009 --> 00:03:32,000 Don't be so prejudiced. 49 00:03:32,045 --> 00:03:34,206 I'm an old soldier, Eric. 50 00:03:35,148 --> 00:03:37,514 And old soldiers have long memories. 51 00:03:37,550 --> 00:03:40,986 Yeah, well, we're all Europeans in the business world now. 52 00:03:41,020 --> 00:03:43,250 The Germans are the most European of all. 53 00:03:43,289 --> 00:03:45,416 You're asking 400 quid for this lot? 54 00:03:45,458 --> 00:03:48,325 Well, I ought to hold out for five, but I need the capital. 55 00:03:48,361 --> 00:03:51,296 But that's the trouble with underpricing - nobody believes you. 56 00:03:51,331 --> 00:03:54,232 I believe you. What's its scrap value? 57 00:03:55,101 --> 00:03:57,092 Ten quid? 58 00:03:57,136 --> 00:03:59,127 Nine? 59 00:03:59,839 --> 00:04:02,103 That's a German word you're gonna have to learn. 60 00:04:03,376 --> 00:04:05,674 (Speaks Chinese) 61 00:04:05,712 --> 00:04:09,079 Mr. Chow says you have exquisite taste, Sir Desmond. 62 00:04:09,115 --> 00:04:10,309 Yes. Yes. 63 00:04:10,350 --> 00:04:15,083 Uh... 17th-century ivory. Yes. It's v-very v-valuable. 64 00:04:15,855 --> 00:04:17,982 (In Chinese) 65 00:04:18,024 --> 00:04:21,391 Mr. Chow believes the Chinese invented art. 66 00:04:21,427 --> 00:04:24,396 (Chuckles) Yes. Well... he's a banker. 67 00:04:26,733 --> 00:04:29,293 - Agh! Mr. Chow. - A tooled figure. Han dynasty. 68 00:04:29,335 --> 00:04:34,238 Han. 152 BC. Uh... mer-mer-merchant. 69 00:04:36,442 --> 00:04:39,639 Beautiful. Ming period. Your 14th century. 70 00:04:39,679 --> 00:04:42,910 - That is my very own work. - Oh, really? 71 00:04:42,949 --> 00:04:46,715 Very few Westerners master the art of Chinese calligraphy. 72 00:04:46,753 --> 00:04:48,744 But with a surgeon's hands... 73 00:04:48,788 --> 00:04:50,551 No, no, no. 74 00:04:50,590 --> 00:04:53,616 Surgery isn't very manual these days. 75 00:04:53,660 --> 00:04:55,992 You know, we use a lot of machines. 76 00:04:57,930 --> 00:05:00,057 When can we see the pig? 77 00:05:00,099 --> 00:05:04,092 Yes. I'm sorry, but I'm having it authenticated. 78 00:05:04,137 --> 00:05:06,332 Uh... Mr. Lovejoy? 79 00:05:07,040 --> 00:05:10,168 Lovejoy. Have you... have you heard of him? 80 00:05:10,209 --> 00:05:13,610 Hah! (Chuckling) No, Mr. Chow. Steady. You... Yes. Ah, well. 81 00:05:20,353 --> 00:05:25,188 Mr. Chow says it gives serenity to contemplate beautiful objects. 82 00:05:25,224 --> 00:05:28,387 - Partly true. - And to venerate what is old. 83 00:05:28,428 --> 00:05:31,363 So why are you invading his personal space? 84 00:05:34,567 --> 00:05:35,556 Hm. 85 00:05:35,601 --> 00:05:39,037 What I need is some cut-price advice, Lee. 86 00:05:40,006 --> 00:05:41,997 What do you make of it? 87 00:05:43,309 --> 00:05:45,300 It's clay. 88 00:05:47,513 --> 00:05:49,879 Worked in the style of the warring states. 89 00:05:50,583 --> 00:05:52,574 Or the Chang Kuo period. 90 00:05:52,618 --> 00:05:54,609 Skilful decoration. 91 00:05:56,789 --> 00:05:58,984 But it's a fake. 92 00:05:59,025 --> 00:06:03,223 Lee, the owner's a connoisseur. He's been to Xi'an Dong Ling Tse himself. 93 00:06:03,262 --> 00:06:06,561 Sorry, pal, but the original would have had cast decoration. 94 00:06:07,300 --> 00:06:09,700 This copy's been embellished afterwards. 95 00:06:09,736 --> 00:06:12,068 See? Here. And here. 96 00:06:13,473 --> 00:06:16,033 - It looks so old. - It is old. 97 00:06:16,709 --> 00:06:20,304 But it was made a fake. About 14th century. 98 00:06:20,346 --> 00:06:22,337 So it's an antique fake? 99 00:06:22,382 --> 00:06:24,816 That's right, love. In the early Ming dynasty 100 00:06:24,851 --> 00:06:27,115 it was fashionable to collect things from the past. 101 00:06:27,153 --> 00:06:29,144 So how much is it worth? 102 00:06:30,189 --> 00:06:32,180 - About a grand. - Oh... 103 00:06:32,225 --> 00:06:34,489 Well, that's cut the price. 104 00:06:35,361 --> 00:06:38,387 These 14th-century fakes were pretty commonplace. 105 00:06:38,431 --> 00:06:41,867 Mind you, you had to be a brave lad to be a forger in them days. 106 00:06:43,236 --> 00:06:46,171 If you got caught, it was a death of 1,000 cuts. 107 00:06:47,273 --> 00:06:51,039 Still, there's a legend that every fake bears the forger's inscription. 108 00:06:51,077 --> 00:06:52,408 Where? 109 00:06:52,445 --> 00:06:55,642 Come off it, Lovejoy. They chopped heads off. 110 00:06:55,681 --> 00:06:58,206 No forger's gonna carve his name in large print. 111 00:06:59,619 --> 00:07:01,644 Still, it's only a legend. 112 00:07:02,455 --> 00:07:04,446 How much did you pay for it? 113 00:07:04,490 --> 00:07:08,358 - I'm having it valued for the owner. - Some connoisseur. 114 00:07:08,394 --> 00:07:10,954 Expecting the results tomorrow. 115 00:07:13,266 --> 00:07:15,894 You know the results. It's a fake. 116 00:07:15,935 --> 00:07:18,927 Well, Sir Desmond Clark doesn't, does he? 117 00:07:18,971 --> 00:07:20,962 You can't say it's genuine. 118 00:07:21,007 --> 00:07:24,408 I'm not going to say anything until I've renegotiated the arrangement. 119 00:07:25,845 --> 00:07:28,575 - You're not on a percentage, are you? - Hm! 120 00:07:28,614 --> 00:07:31,310 Two per cent of £1,000. It might cover the petrol. 121 00:07:33,052 --> 00:07:36,818 Always go for the flat fee, Lovejoy. Take my advice. 122 00:07:37,857 --> 00:07:40,985 Not twice in one day, Lee. Can't afford it. 123 00:07:41,761 --> 00:07:45,663 "Catchpole"? "Pre-war classics"? 124 00:07:45,698 --> 00:07:48,599 "Vintage motorcycles for the connoisseur. 125 00:07:48,634 --> 00:07:52,866 "Visit our exclusive showrooms and view our international selection. 126 00:07:52,905 --> 00:07:55,772 "Knock on the shed and ask for Eric"? 127 00:07:58,110 --> 00:08:00,408 Have you got a reply to that? 128 00:08:02,148 --> 00:08:04,139 (German accent) Catchpole? 129 00:08:05,117 --> 00:08:09,053 Gunter Sperber. We spoke on the telephone. 130 00:08:09,088 --> 00:08:12,546 - I have come about your advertisement. - Ah, yes. Guten Abend. 131 00:08:12,592 --> 00:08:14,992 Congratulations. Uh, reunification. 132 00:08:15,027 --> 00:08:17,552 It's like Kennedy, isn't it? Everybody always remembers 133 00:08:17,597 --> 00:08:19,656 where they were when the Berlin Wall came down. 134 00:08:19,699 --> 00:08:23,567 - This is the motorbike for sale? - Yes. 1899 original. 135 00:08:23,603 --> 00:08:26,037 It was a great moment in your history, though, wasn't it? 136 00:08:26,072 --> 00:08:28,404 Ein Volk, ein Reich, ein shopping trolley. 137 00:08:28,441 --> 00:08:31,342 (Laughs) No, you know what I mean. No more queues, 138 00:08:31,377 --> 00:08:33,777 no more central planning, no more pollution. 139 00:08:36,048 --> 00:08:38,516 So, uh... what do you do for a living, then? 140 00:08:38,551 --> 00:08:41,281 I was chief engineer for Trabant Motors. 141 00:08:42,388 --> 00:08:47,018 It's not what I'm looking for. I collect mainly the period 1900 to 1935. 142 00:08:47,960 --> 00:08:51,657 If this bike had any military connections it might be worth double. 143 00:08:51,697 --> 00:08:53,426 Say £20. 144 00:08:53,466 --> 00:08:56,401 £20? But this is vintage! 145 00:08:56,435 --> 00:08:59,063 I mean, the bikes in that magazine go for thousands. 146 00:09:00,039 --> 00:09:02,974 Look at these machines. They are immaculate. 147 00:09:03,943 --> 00:09:06,673 You shouldn't advertise in here. 148 00:09:06,712 --> 00:09:09,146 Well, it's the trade journal. Where should I put it? 149 00:09:09,181 --> 00:09:11,411 How about a skip? Aha-ha-ha! 150 00:09:11,450 --> 00:09:13,850 It works. Come on, get on and I'll show you. 151 00:09:13,886 --> 00:09:16,980 - Nein, no. - I thought you liked vintage bikes. 152 00:09:17,023 --> 00:09:19,014 Uh... I'm not insured. 153 00:09:19,759 --> 00:09:22,227 - Tinker. - Uh... I think not. 154 00:09:24,664 --> 00:09:27,690 Lovejoy, I want to take the trike for a spin 155 00:09:29,902 --> 00:09:31,893 Right, see you in a month's time. 156 00:09:32,838 --> 00:09:34,829 With a passenger. 157 00:09:37,076 --> 00:09:40,011 Because this is my buyer and he doesn't think the trike works. 158 00:09:40,046 --> 00:09:42,105 But I reckon I can push it up to 30. 159 00:09:42,148 --> 00:09:46,209 He'll never pay as much as that. He probably only wants it for the spares. 160 00:09:46,252 --> 00:09:49,483 Oh, yeah? Since when have you been the great expert on motorbikes? 161 00:09:52,792 --> 00:09:55,386 I'm not. But I know a Cromwell's dagger. 162 00:09:55,895 --> 00:09:58,295 "We've had this knife in the family since the Civil War. 163 00:09:58,331 --> 00:10:00,799 "It's only had ten new blades and seven new handles." 164 00:10:01,968 --> 00:10:04,528 A lot of vintage machinery isn't as complete as this. 165 00:10:04,570 --> 00:10:07,801 You know, there's a fresh bolt here, a fresh nut there, 166 00:10:07,840 --> 00:10:10,070 a new carburetor. 167 00:10:10,109 --> 00:10:12,304 Collectors like to replace them with originals, 168 00:10:12,345 --> 00:10:15,405 so, often, they'll buy a whole machine just for one or two nuts. 169 00:10:16,816 --> 00:10:18,875 In this case, peanuts. 170 00:10:19,785 --> 00:10:22,879 - Come on, he won't think you trust me. - I don't think I trust you. 171 00:10:24,023 --> 00:10:26,014 Look, it's perfectly safe! 172 00:10:27,560 --> 00:10:31,257 (Eric) I wish you'd stop flinching every time we go round a bend, Lovejoy. 173 00:10:31,297 --> 00:10:35,063 You don't see Nigel Mansell going round corners with his eyes shut, do you? 174 00:10:35,101 --> 00:10:39,595 No, he leans into them and enjoys the wind whistling past his shoulders. 175 00:10:39,639 --> 00:10:43,700 You ought to try it. There's nothing more exhilarating than defying gravity. 176 00:10:44,677 --> 00:10:47,111 Beautiful design, innit? There's no give in that chain. 177 00:10:47,146 --> 00:10:49,171 (Lovejoy) No give in this seat, either. 178 00:10:49,215 --> 00:10:51,410 (Eric) Of course, I had to take a few links out 179 00:10:51,450 --> 00:10:53,475 cos it was four inches longer when I started. 180 00:10:53,519 --> 00:10:55,350 (Lovejoy) So was my spine. 181 00:10:55,388 --> 00:10:58,687 It's not a modern bike, Lovejoy. What do you expect from a classic? 182 00:10:58,724 --> 00:11:01,454 Hydraulic suspension? Padded cushions? 183 00:11:01,494 --> 00:11:03,894 - Seatbelts? - That's a good idea, seatbelts. 184 00:11:03,929 --> 00:11:07,126 Oh, stop worrying. I've got all the controls at my fingertips. 185 00:11:09,769 --> 00:11:13,000 Oh! Lovejoy! 186 00:11:20,713 --> 00:11:22,544 (Prolonged scream) 187 00:11:28,421 --> 00:11:30,116 (Crash) 188 00:11:31,390 --> 00:11:34,416 I can't stay here. I've got to see a man about a pig. 189 00:11:34,460 --> 00:11:36,519 Now, calm down. You've been very lucky. 190 00:11:36,562 --> 00:11:38,928 - Yeah, it could have been me. - Look out! 191 00:11:38,964 --> 00:11:41,125 Try not to get excited. You've had a clean break - 192 00:11:41,167 --> 00:11:43,294 you won't be in bed for more than a couple of days. 193 00:11:43,335 --> 00:11:45,735 Oh, no. Jane, you'll have to see Sir Desmond. 194 00:11:46,439 --> 00:11:48,430 I want a flat fee. £500. 195 00:11:48,474 --> 00:11:50,533 I'm sorry, Lovejoy, I am not a hustler. 196 00:11:50,576 --> 00:11:53,272 It's a perfectly honest arrangement. I want the cash up front. 197 00:11:53,312 --> 00:11:56,941 You want 50 percent of the pig's entire value so you can tell him it's worthless. 198 00:11:56,982 --> 00:11:59,678 - What if he gets awkward? - It's a bargain. He'll jump at it. 199 00:11:59,719 --> 00:12:02,882 Look, Lovejoy, I don't mind Jane helping out but I'm second in command 200 00:12:02,922 --> 00:12:05,288 - and I should run the business. - Run it into what? 201 00:12:05,324 --> 00:12:08,555 Look, I told you, that German bloke pinched my nuts. 202 00:12:08,594 --> 00:12:11,893 If he gives you any trouble, Jane, break his legs. Both of them. 203 00:12:13,766 --> 00:12:16,098 (Jane) Could you hold the lift, please? Thank you. 204 00:12:19,505 --> 00:12:20,995 Oh... 205 00:12:21,774 --> 00:12:23,435 Agh... 206 00:12:24,510 --> 00:12:27,502 - Are you all right? What's the matter? - I've got this itch. 207 00:12:30,149 --> 00:12:34,279 - Don't seem to be able to scratch it. - (Jane) You've always had that, Lovejoy. 208 00:12:34,420 --> 00:12:37,048 (Woman) Try slipping this down the side of the cast. 209 00:12:38,491 --> 00:12:40,721 Oh, thank you, madam. 210 00:12:43,095 --> 00:12:45,620 The junior partner shouldn't just be a gofer. 211 00:12:45,664 --> 00:12:48,258 I'm gonna have to run my own specialty sooner or later. 212 00:12:48,300 --> 00:12:51,292 - Lovejoy's not gonna be around forever. - Not at this rate, no. 213 00:12:51,337 --> 00:12:55,000 Look, I told you, that German bloke nobbled my trike! 214 00:12:55,040 --> 00:12:57,600 It doesn't look to me like it needed nobbling. 215 00:12:57,643 --> 00:12:59,634 It's nothing but a pile of rust. 216 00:12:59,678 --> 00:13:03,045 Well, maybe Lovejoy was right and it needed a seatbelt up front. 217 00:13:03,082 --> 00:13:05,915 It needed a man with a red flag in front. 218 00:13:05,951 --> 00:13:08,852 Lovejoy says you came round that bend absolutely hell for... 219 00:13:12,458 --> 00:13:15,518 - (Woman) Catchpole? - That's me. 220 00:13:17,897 --> 00:13:21,458 - Natasha Glendenning. - Nice to meet you. 221 00:13:21,500 --> 00:13:25,459 I'm afraid the bike's been um... snapped up. 222 00:13:26,505 --> 00:13:30,601 I'm selling. Would you be interested in a Brough Superior? 223 00:13:31,477 --> 00:13:33,707 I knew it. SS80, innit? 224 00:13:34,480 --> 00:13:37,540 - Working order, too. - Are you sure you want this, Eric? 225 00:13:37,583 --> 00:13:39,574 It looks like a motorbike. 226 00:13:41,887 --> 00:13:44,287 This is the Rolls-Royce of motorbikes, this is. 227 00:13:44,323 --> 00:13:46,314 - Jane Felsham. - Hi. 228 00:13:46,358 --> 00:13:48,349 Forget your Nortons and your BSAs. 229 00:13:48,394 --> 00:13:51,727 The Brough Superior was the cream of British engineering. 230 00:13:51,764 --> 00:13:54,824 Oh, look at this. Girder forks. 231 00:13:54,867 --> 00:13:56,858 Original knee grips. 232 00:13:56,902 --> 00:13:58,893 Aluminum silencer. 233 00:13:58,938 --> 00:14:03,170 Enfield brakes. Side valve. JAP engine. 234 00:14:05,211 --> 00:14:07,645 1924 four-cam deluxe. 235 00:14:07,680 --> 00:14:11,309 I changed the forks last month. These ones are in factory order. 236 00:14:11,350 --> 00:14:15,446 Beautiful. We couldn't have restored it to original condition better ourselves. 237 00:14:15,487 --> 00:14:17,921 You seem to have worked very hard on this. 238 00:14:17,957 --> 00:14:20,187 Yep. Every weekend for the last couple of years. 239 00:14:20,226 --> 00:14:22,251 It was in pieces when I got it. 240 00:14:22,294 --> 00:14:24,455 We could restore it to that original condition. 241 00:14:24,496 --> 00:14:27,897 I've been so close to this bike. It feels like part of me. 242 00:14:28,634 --> 00:14:31,501 But if it were an SS100, the 1932 model, 243 00:14:31,537 --> 00:14:33,937 that would be a real piece of history. 244 00:14:33,973 --> 00:14:36,771 The SS100 is the bike that Lawrence died on. 245 00:14:36,809 --> 00:14:39,505 I'm sorry to hear that. I didn't even know he'd had a crash. 246 00:14:41,413 --> 00:14:44,211 I think she means Lawrence of Arabia, Eric. 247 00:14:44,250 --> 00:14:46,115 Oh, right. 248 00:14:46,151 --> 00:14:48,312 He was killed on a motorbike, wasn't he? 249 00:14:48,354 --> 00:14:51,187 A Brough Superior. Everyone knows that. 250 00:14:51,223 --> 00:14:53,953 - Wasn't he in the army at the time? - The RAF. 251 00:14:53,993 --> 00:14:56,359 He was stationed in Dorset, near where I used to live. 252 00:14:56,395 --> 00:14:58,659 That's where he came off the bike. 253 00:14:59,398 --> 00:15:02,367 Lawrence of Arabia and the RAF. 254 00:15:03,402 --> 00:15:05,666 Just as a matter of interest, 255 00:15:05,704 --> 00:15:08,434 how much would his bike be worth to a military collector? 256 00:15:08,474 --> 00:15:11,875 Serious money. Any SS100 of that period 257 00:15:11,911 --> 00:15:14,345 could fetch... 10,000 plus. 258 00:15:14,380 --> 00:15:17,110 And where there's a connection to Lawrence, well, you... 259 00:15:17,149 --> 00:15:19,640 I don't think we would offer anything like that. 260 00:15:19,685 --> 00:15:22,483 No, no, this isn't an SS100. This is an SS80. 261 00:15:22,521 --> 00:15:25,456 Of course. How silly of me. 262 00:15:25,491 --> 00:15:29,120 - As I say, we are more of an antiques... - £3,000. 263 00:15:30,462 --> 00:15:32,794 It's not enough. I've got to get four. 264 00:15:34,266 --> 00:15:36,257 Well, we haven't got four. 265 00:15:36,302 --> 00:15:37,997 But I tell you what we'll do. 266 00:15:38,037 --> 00:15:42,440 You accept three on account against a guarantee that we'll sell it for five. 267 00:15:42,474 --> 00:15:44,704 Anything above that, we split 50-50. 268 00:15:48,681 --> 00:15:50,478 Deal. 269 00:15:51,517 --> 00:15:53,212 Eric. 270 00:15:54,320 --> 00:15:56,618 Excuse us a moment, Natasha. 271 00:15:57,489 --> 00:16:00,617 - What are you doing? - I've got to make it up to Lovejoy. 272 00:16:00,659 --> 00:16:04,095 I've broken his leg and now he can't make that meeting with Sir Desmond. 273 00:16:04,129 --> 00:16:06,654 And you know how he has a sixth sense about antiques. 274 00:16:06,699 --> 00:16:08,860 Well, I'm a bit of a divvy myself. 275 00:16:08,901 --> 00:16:10,892 Well, if it doesn't work out... 276 00:16:13,472 --> 00:16:15,599 I'll sell the Harley. 277 00:16:16,909 --> 00:16:20,208 Eric... you couldn't do that. 278 00:16:20,779 --> 00:16:22,440 It's for Lovejoy. 279 00:16:22,481 --> 00:16:26,178 And while he's away, I intend to be the driving force behind this business. 280 00:16:28,087 --> 00:16:30,988 I think the less said about your driving the better. 281 00:16:31,023 --> 00:16:35,221 In hospital? That is very inconvenient. 282 00:16:35,260 --> 00:16:37,251 It is for him. 283 00:16:38,764 --> 00:16:40,288 So... 284 00:16:40,332 --> 00:16:43,824 I suppose you've, um... you've come to return the pig. 285 00:16:44,803 --> 00:16:46,794 I'm afraid it's still being dated. 286 00:16:47,973 --> 00:16:50,635 And when can I expect the result? 287 00:16:52,277 --> 00:16:54,643 It's extremely urgent, you see. 288 00:16:54,680 --> 00:16:56,807 That's what I wanted to talk to you about. 289 00:16:56,849 --> 00:17:01,047 Naturally, we've incurred some expense in provenancing the piece and Lovejoy... 290 00:17:01,086 --> 00:17:04,078 - No. No. I won't pay a flat fee. - Why not? 291 00:17:04,757 --> 00:17:06,622 Ah. Here. 292 00:17:07,426 --> 00:17:11,658 You see, I object to a flat fee on... principle. 293 00:17:12,498 --> 00:17:14,398 Principle? 294 00:17:14,433 --> 00:17:16,731 If you got your money in advance, 295 00:17:16,769 --> 00:17:20,705 what's to stop you deliberately undervaluing the piece? 296 00:17:20,739 --> 00:17:23,105 I think that would be rather difficult. 297 00:17:23,142 --> 00:17:27,602 Why? No, no, no. No. I want Lovejoy on a percentage. 298 00:17:27,646 --> 00:17:31,241 Then I know that it's to his advantage 299 00:17:31,283 --> 00:17:34,377 to arrive at the best possible price. Hm? 300 00:17:35,721 --> 00:17:38,383 I've been warned about this. 301 00:17:38,424 --> 00:17:41,416 Some unscrupulous dealers 302 00:17:41,460 --> 00:17:44,952 might deliberately undervalue the pig 303 00:17:44,997 --> 00:17:48,626 in order to pick up a bargain for themselves, hm? 304 00:17:48,667 --> 00:17:50,726 Yeah, but that's what we're offering you. 305 00:17:50,769 --> 00:17:54,637 A provenance for 500 quid that on a percentage would cost 10,000. 306 00:17:55,474 --> 00:17:58,341 I don't want a bargain. No. 307 00:17:58,377 --> 00:18:00,607 I chose Lovejoy 308 00:18:00,646 --> 00:18:04,082 because, as a distinguished member of the trade, 309 00:18:04,116 --> 00:18:08,075 I assume that he had a reputation to protect. 310 00:18:08,854 --> 00:18:10,879 I'm sorry, am I in your way? 311 00:18:12,024 --> 00:18:16,256 I just want you to be very, very careful. 312 00:18:17,062 --> 00:18:19,724 Look, I know you um... 313 00:18:21,266 --> 00:18:24,099 don't provide a Bond Street service 314 00:18:24,136 --> 00:18:27,037 but really, I didn't expect it to be um... 315 00:18:28,507 --> 00:18:30,498 this poor. 316 00:18:33,645 --> 00:18:34,907 Ooh! 317 00:18:36,048 --> 00:18:37,276 (Crunching, slurping) 318 00:18:46,191 --> 00:18:47,886 Pear? 319 00:18:49,061 --> 00:18:50,790 Ooh... 320 00:18:50,829 --> 00:18:53,127 How's the itch, Lovejoy? Is it getting any better? 321 00:18:53,165 --> 00:18:56,293 No, it's agony. This won't reach. 322 00:18:56,335 --> 00:18:58,496 I'm even itching in my sleep. 323 00:18:59,404 --> 00:19:02,202 Should get your mind on something else. Banana? 324 00:19:03,609 --> 00:19:06,772 We can't do it, Lovejoy. We've given him a piece of her mind 325 00:19:06,812 --> 00:19:08,939 and you expect us to go back on our hands and knees. 326 00:19:08,981 --> 00:19:10,972 Well, I can't, can I? 327 00:19:11,016 --> 00:19:15,180 I've worn underwear that keeps a politer distance than Sir Desmond Clark. 328 00:19:15,220 --> 00:19:17,347 He won't give us anything in advance. 329 00:19:17,389 --> 00:19:19,823 He insists we take a percentage. 330 00:19:20,792 --> 00:19:22,783 Satsuma? 331 00:19:24,763 --> 00:19:27,254 - I'm ruined. - Oh, come on. 332 00:19:27,299 --> 00:19:29,324 I know £500 is a lot of money... 333 00:19:29,368 --> 00:19:32,633 It isn't the money. It's Lovejoy's reputation in the trade. 334 00:19:32,671 --> 00:19:34,696 If I can't provenance it I look like an amateur. 335 00:19:34,740 --> 00:19:37,868 And if I provenance it for 20 quid I might as well be an amateur. 336 00:19:37,910 --> 00:19:39,070 Kiwi fruit? 337 00:19:39,111 --> 00:19:41,705 No, I don't want a pear, I don't want a banana or a satsuma 338 00:19:41,747 --> 00:19:43,738 and I certainly don't want a kiwi fruit! 339 00:19:44,650 --> 00:19:47,642 Well, why don't you just say the pig's genuine? 340 00:19:47,686 --> 00:19:49,677 How would fraud help his reputation? 341 00:19:49,721 --> 00:19:52,918 Well, if it's in tatters anyway, why not take the ten grand? 342 00:19:52,958 --> 00:19:55,222 I mean, it's not like me guaranteeing the Brough. 343 00:19:55,260 --> 00:19:56,921 What? 344 00:19:56,962 --> 00:20:00,090 I'm still building my reputation. I can't afford to take chances. 345 00:20:00,132 --> 00:20:03,624 - What guarantee? - I've been offered this vintage bike. 346 00:20:03,669 --> 00:20:07,161 And it'll make £8,000 easy. And I've only had to put up three. 347 00:20:07,206 --> 00:20:09,140 You won't regret it, Lovejoy. 348 00:20:09,174 --> 00:20:11,642 Lawrence of Arabia died on a Brough Superior. 349 00:20:11,677 --> 00:20:15,010 Was he driving? You spent £3,000 of my money on a motorbike? 350 00:20:15,047 --> 00:20:18,881 Yeah, but it's not just any old motorbike. It's from the golden age of touring. 351 00:20:18,917 --> 00:20:20,908 I mean, can't you picture it? 352 00:20:20,953 --> 00:20:22,818 The Charleston, moonshine, 353 00:20:22,854 --> 00:20:25,288 you driving through the night with a flapper on the back. 354 00:20:25,324 --> 00:20:27,952 - Hey? It's a dream machine. - It's a nightmare. 355 00:20:27,993 --> 00:20:30,985 He's given his word. He can't break a promise. 356 00:20:31,029 --> 00:20:32,826 Why not? He breaks everything else. 357 00:20:34,032 --> 00:20:37,763 - Grape? - No. I want a coat hanger. 358 00:20:37,803 --> 00:20:41,637 You know, I've been thinking. If we're going to have to rely on my reputation, 359 00:20:41,673 --> 00:20:43,664 I think I should have a title. 360 00:20:43,709 --> 00:20:47,839 You know, like junior partner or trainee manager. 361 00:20:47,879 --> 00:20:50,006 You know, a name that explains what I am. 362 00:20:50,048 --> 00:20:52,039 I know one that explains you perfectly. 363 00:20:52,084 --> 00:20:54,314 - What? - Eric. Just plain Eric. 364 00:20:55,554 --> 00:20:56,851 Coat hanger? 365 00:20:56,888 --> 00:20:58,378 Eric! 366 00:20:59,091 --> 00:21:02,356 Eric, this... is a coat hanger. 367 00:21:03,195 --> 00:21:05,959 And this... is a book. 368 00:21:05,998 --> 00:21:10,401 The Seven Pillars Of Wisdom by TE Lawrence. 369 00:21:11,503 --> 00:21:15,132 A first edition. I've had it since National Service. 370 00:21:16,041 --> 00:21:18,976 He had the same rank as me, Lawrence of Arabia. 371 00:21:19,011 --> 00:21:22,708 - You were a colonel? - That was his wartime rank. 372 00:21:23,382 --> 00:21:26,545 When he came home he cast all privilege aside, 373 00:21:26,585 --> 00:21:30,646 changed his name, joined up as a simple private in the Tank Corps. 374 00:21:30,689 --> 00:21:32,589 The lowest of the low. 375 00:21:32,624 --> 00:21:35,923 Huh! Right, the lowest of the low, the same rank as you. 376 00:21:35,961 --> 00:21:39,294 - Let's have a look, then. - Then he went back to the RAF. 377 00:21:40,098 --> 00:21:42,089 I was too young to have known him, of course, 378 00:21:42,134 --> 00:21:44,125 but I knew several fellows who did. 379 00:21:45,370 --> 00:21:47,361 He was a funny beggar. 380 00:21:47,406 --> 00:21:51,775 Practically defeated the Turks single-handed at Mesopotamia. 381 00:21:51,810 --> 00:21:55,109 Became the biggest hero in the world after World War One. 382 00:21:55,947 --> 00:22:00,316 Then enlisted to clean RAF latrines. 383 00:22:00,352 --> 00:22:03,412 Yeah, yeah, yeah, fascinating. But what about the bike? 384 00:22:03,455 --> 00:22:05,446 Oh, he had more than one. 385 00:22:06,191 --> 00:22:08,421 He was the original biker. 386 00:22:08,460 --> 00:22:11,224 They say he did more than 30,000 miles a year. 387 00:22:11,263 --> 00:22:14,061 That's what makes his death so suspicious. 388 00:22:14,099 --> 00:22:17,500 A biker has an accident. What's suspicious about that? 389 00:22:17,536 --> 00:22:19,936 Just went into a skid on an open road in clear weather. 390 00:22:19,971 --> 00:22:23,839 - Practically on his own front doorstep. - Well, I've seen you do that, walking. 391 00:22:24,843 --> 00:22:27,334 He was a fascinating fellow, all the same. 392 00:22:28,046 --> 00:22:30,446 No, thanks. And I'll tell you something else. 393 00:22:30,482 --> 00:22:32,780 And I got this from his batman, 394 00:22:32,818 --> 00:22:36,219 a man who'd scrubbed his back for 20 years, so he should know. 395 00:22:36,254 --> 00:22:39,246 Lawrence of Arabia wasn't. 396 00:22:40,459 --> 00:22:41,687 Hm. 397 00:22:41,727 --> 00:22:43,388 Wasn't? 398 00:22:49,067 --> 00:22:51,058 Wasn't what? 399 00:22:52,604 --> 00:22:54,595 (Engine revving) 400 00:23:02,180 --> 00:23:04,341 (♪ Theme from Lawrence 0f Arabia film) 401 00:23:42,921 --> 00:23:46,049 Lovejoy! Lovejoy, wake up! 402 00:23:46,091 --> 00:23:48,082 They're here. 403 00:23:52,364 --> 00:23:54,423 It is a nightmare. 404 00:23:56,601 --> 00:23:59,695 Have you ever had an itch that won't go away? I've got two of them. 405 00:23:59,738 --> 00:24:02,707 One to the left of my ankle, the other one right here. 406 00:24:04,743 --> 00:24:08,440 Flat Fee Lee. Went to see Sir Desmond behind my back. 407 00:24:09,448 --> 00:24:13,009 Now, Clark's buyers, they don't know terracotta from spaghetti ricotta 408 00:24:13,051 --> 00:24:15,042 but they've got a bank full of money 409 00:24:15,086 --> 00:24:18,886 and they want a piece of history to hang in their hall. A genuine piece. 410 00:24:20,392 --> 00:24:22,986 I couldn't mislead anyone like that, could I? 411 00:24:23,028 --> 00:24:25,121 But I know a man who can. 412 00:24:27,432 --> 00:24:30,299 If Lee says the pig's genuine, we all stand to make a profit - 413 00:24:30,335 --> 00:24:32,530 Clark for the sale, Lee for the provenance 414 00:24:32,571 --> 00:24:34,732 and me, keeping my mouth shut. 415 00:24:35,974 --> 00:24:38,636 I could even come away from this with my reputation intact. 416 00:24:40,412 --> 00:24:42,141 (Whispers) Wake up. They're here. 417 00:24:46,785 --> 00:24:48,548 Sir Desmond. 418 00:24:48,587 --> 00:24:54,025 You promised me your personal attention, not your personal assistants. 419 00:24:54,059 --> 00:24:57,551 I want you to give me a provenance, not that man. 420 00:24:58,797 --> 00:25:01,129 There's the itch. You see my problem? 421 00:25:02,234 --> 00:25:03,599 Gentlemen. 422 00:25:04,336 --> 00:25:05,894 These are the buyers. 423 00:25:05,937 --> 00:25:09,873 Uh... this is Mr. Chow Chi-Kai from the Bank of Nanking. 424 00:25:09,908 --> 00:25:12,172 And that is his translator. 425 00:25:12,210 --> 00:25:14,735 Mr. Chow expresses his condolences. 426 00:25:14,779 --> 00:25:17,646 He says you are fortunate the Chinese invented medicine. 427 00:25:20,485 --> 00:25:22,385 Immensely. 428 00:25:22,420 --> 00:25:25,389 So, what is your opinion of the piece? 429 00:25:27,092 --> 00:25:28,855 Confused. 430 00:25:28,894 --> 00:25:31,226 You must know other experts in the field. Why me? 431 00:25:32,564 --> 00:25:34,896 You have a reputation. 432 00:25:34,933 --> 00:25:39,927 You may not be Christie's but I hear you have a... nose. 433 00:25:39,971 --> 00:25:43,907 And I am assured... that you are honest. 434 00:25:45,510 --> 00:25:47,910 Thank you. 435 00:25:47,946 --> 00:25:52,076 Well... Iooks like warring states, doesn't it? 436 00:25:54,185 --> 00:25:58,884 A terracotta burial ornament from the 5th century BC. 437 00:26:01,092 --> 00:26:03,253 It's a fake. 438 00:26:04,563 --> 00:26:06,929 Please, Mr. Lovejoy, you're sure? Sir Desmond is... 439 00:26:06,965 --> 00:26:09,399 It's a 14th-century fake. 440 00:26:09,434 --> 00:26:12,961 It's like everything else - gunpowder, printing, bottled water - 441 00:26:13,004 --> 00:26:14,995 Chinese did it first. 442 00:26:17,809 --> 00:26:21,643 Mr. Chow says you left out silk, astronomy, canals and steel. 443 00:26:21,680 --> 00:26:23,648 Don't forget antique collecting. 444 00:26:23,682 --> 00:26:26,412 I think perhaps we shall. Good day, Sir Desmond. 445 00:26:26,451 --> 00:26:29,420 No, don't go. Not yet. The pig, give me the pig. 446 00:26:30,555 --> 00:26:31,579 (Shrieks) 447 00:26:35,794 --> 00:26:37,421 So, Lawrence did have an SS100. 448 00:26:38,563 --> 00:26:40,622 This can't be the bike he died on. 449 00:26:41,700 --> 00:26:44,225 Goodbye, 8,000 quid. 450 00:26:44,269 --> 00:26:46,897 And he customized his, too. Look. 451 00:26:46,938 --> 00:26:51,432 Pillion pad. Fly screen. Special switch on the handlebars. 452 00:26:52,677 --> 00:26:56,135 - Alloy cover over the Magdyno. - Looks pretty similar to me. 453 00:26:56,181 --> 00:26:58,809 Apart from the fact that it's got a totally different engine 454 00:26:58,850 --> 00:27:01,910 - and a longer frame, yeah. - And an extra one of those. 455 00:27:01,953 --> 00:27:03,511 - Forks. - Forks. 456 00:27:03,555 --> 00:27:06,524 Except this isn't a fork, it's his swagger stick. 457 00:27:06,558 --> 00:27:09,391 Cos Lawrence liked everything just so. 458 00:27:09,427 --> 00:27:11,759 He even kept his small change in the filler cap. 459 00:27:11,796 --> 00:27:13,821 One and six for a gallon of petrol. 460 00:27:13,865 --> 00:27:16,095 Which is just about what that's worth. 461 00:27:16,134 --> 00:27:17,726 Well... 462 00:27:20,138 --> 00:27:23,437 With this length of frame, with this pillion, 463 00:27:23,475 --> 00:27:25,500 and a side-valve engine, 464 00:27:25,543 --> 00:27:28,239 there is no way that anyone is going to believe 465 00:27:28,279 --> 00:27:30,270 that this is Lawrence of Arabia's bike. 466 00:27:30,315 --> 00:27:32,078 Well, what is it worth? 467 00:27:32,117 --> 00:27:33,880 About 8,000. 468 00:27:35,053 --> 00:27:38,181 He bent the handlebars, too, when he went over the top. 469 00:27:38,223 --> 00:27:41,090 Oh, and you know what else I found out? There was an eyewitness. 470 00:27:41,126 --> 00:27:45,460 Saw everything. A Corporal Catchpole. We could have been related. 471 00:27:45,497 --> 00:27:47,488 Oh, God! 472 00:27:51,936 --> 00:27:53,995 Nobody move. 473 00:27:54,039 --> 00:27:59,944 Jane... very carefully, hand me that piece of paper. 474 00:28:15,126 --> 00:28:17,686 (Lee Chan) It's... it's one yuan. 475 00:28:17,729 --> 00:28:20,926 - A Chinese bank bill. - From the 12th century. 476 00:28:20,965 --> 00:28:22,956 (Speaks Chinese) 477 00:28:23,835 --> 00:28:26,065 Bugger me. 478 00:28:27,205 --> 00:28:30,971 Circulating government note of the Sung empire. 479 00:28:32,110 --> 00:28:34,943 And the denomination, one yuan. 480 00:28:37,248 --> 00:28:42,686 There's a penalty of disembowelment for counterfeiting. And the date. 481 00:28:42,721 --> 00:28:45,815 - Is it very rare? - It's unique. 482 00:28:46,524 --> 00:28:48,924 There are illustrations in Chinese records 483 00:28:48,960 --> 00:28:51,520 of notes of about this age. 484 00:28:51,563 --> 00:28:56,296 (Lee Chan) Marco Polo saw them. But these days there are no specimens. 485 00:28:57,168 --> 00:28:59,159 (Laughs) 486 00:29:00,071 --> 00:29:02,164 At least someone finds it funny. 487 00:29:04,476 --> 00:29:07,604 Mr. Chow says current treasure of the Hang-Wu era. 488 00:29:08,813 --> 00:29:11,338 I suppose it loses something in the translation. 489 00:29:11,382 --> 00:29:13,748 There are ideograms inside the terracotta. 490 00:29:17,222 --> 00:29:19,486 It's the forger's joke. 491 00:29:19,524 --> 00:29:24,461 Currency was marked "current treasure". And then the period. 492 00:29:24,496 --> 00:29:26,987 Of course the pig is no treasure at all with this mark. 493 00:29:27,699 --> 00:29:30,361 It's like finding Fergie's head on a Penny Black. 494 00:29:31,503 --> 00:29:33,494 By the time the pig was made, 495 00:29:33,538 --> 00:29:36,006 the bank note was no longer legal tender. 496 00:29:36,040 --> 00:29:39,976 After 1126 no more were printed. 497 00:29:40,011 --> 00:29:42,036 So, how much is it worth? 498 00:29:42,080 --> 00:29:44,071 Well, more than the pig. 499 00:29:44,115 --> 00:29:46,675 More than the Penny Black. It's priceless. 500 00:29:47,619 --> 00:29:49,177 (Jane) Is it genuine? 501 00:29:49,220 --> 00:29:51,620 How else would it end up in a 14th-century fake? 502 00:29:54,459 --> 00:29:56,859 Here is a reference to the bank note. 503 00:29:56,895 --> 00:30:00,262 - And here... a remark about the emperor. - (Tuts) 504 00:30:00,298 --> 00:30:02,892 It loses something in the translation. 505 00:30:05,470 --> 00:30:07,495 It's the forger's signature. 506 00:30:07,539 --> 00:30:09,803 And I thought it was just a legend. 507 00:30:11,676 --> 00:30:15,339 And you had to throw away £1,000 to find him. 508 00:30:15,380 --> 00:30:17,575 I'm not a gambling man, Lovejoy. 509 00:30:17,615 --> 00:30:19,606 I've got no luck at all. 510 00:30:21,619 --> 00:30:24,884 But it seems, Sir Desmond... you do. 511 00:30:28,293 --> 00:30:30,591 - The one-yuan note. - (♪ High-volume rock) 512 00:30:30,628 --> 00:30:32,755 Eight inches by four inches. 513 00:30:32,797 --> 00:30:37,200 A border of stylized dragons and arabesques. 514 00:30:37,235 --> 00:30:40,068 Square seal in vermilion. 515 00:30:40,104 --> 00:30:43,130 That's it! Oh, thank God. 516 00:30:45,910 --> 00:30:48,003 You should smash things more often. 517 00:30:48,780 --> 00:30:53,217 Is it really worth a million or is Lovejoy just talking up his finder's fee? 518 00:30:53,251 --> 00:30:57,153 It's one of a kind. It's worth whatever the bank's prepared to pay for it. 519 00:30:57,188 --> 00:31:00,351 Wouldn't we get more for it if we put it up for auction? 520 00:31:00,391 --> 00:31:04,521 (Louder) Sir Desmond won't hear of it. I can't say I blame him. 521 00:31:04,562 --> 00:31:06,757 The bank's a perfect buyer. 522 00:31:06,798 --> 00:31:10,029 It's like offering Mozart manuscripts to an orchestra. 523 00:31:10,068 --> 00:31:12,127 - What? - Mozart. 524 00:31:12,170 --> 00:31:15,139 Hardly. Oh, that noise! 525 00:31:15,173 --> 00:31:17,698 All we had to do was find a buyer. 526 00:31:17,742 --> 00:31:20,575 And now it's in 1,000 pieces all over the floor. 527 00:31:20,612 --> 00:31:25,914 - I thought you said you were pushed. - Not the pig. Eric's motorbike. 528 00:31:25,950 --> 00:31:28,919 - He won't listen to a word I... - (Music stops) 529 00:31:30,221 --> 00:31:32,212 ...to a word I say. 530 00:31:32,257 --> 00:31:34,316 At least he's stopped the music. 531 00:31:34,359 --> 00:31:36,350 (Music starts again) 532 00:31:38,129 --> 00:31:40,393 Just try gently. 533 00:31:41,432 --> 00:31:44,060 Would you show me again, if I ask you nicely? 534 00:31:44,102 --> 00:31:47,594 Lovejoy, if you don't take this seriously, you may never walk properly again. 535 00:31:47,639 --> 00:31:49,630 I don't intend to. 536 00:31:49,674 --> 00:31:52,905 Once I get my finder's fee I intend to employ a chauffeur. 537 00:31:52,944 --> 00:31:55,708 - Can you drive? - Up! 538 00:31:57,215 --> 00:31:58,773 Crutches. 539 00:31:59,651 --> 00:32:01,209 Leg. 540 00:32:01,252 --> 00:32:02,810 Leg. 541 00:32:02,854 --> 00:32:04,549 Right leg. 542 00:32:05,823 --> 00:32:07,814 Lovejoy, try. 543 00:32:07,859 --> 00:32:09,520 I can't. 544 00:32:09,560 --> 00:32:11,289 Lovejoy! 545 00:32:11,329 --> 00:32:13,320 (PA announcement) 546 00:32:16,267 --> 00:32:18,292 - An advance. - Hardly. 547 00:32:19,570 --> 00:32:21,561 An advance. 548 00:32:22,340 --> 00:32:25,798 Hardly. Ah, just the job. 549 00:32:26,678 --> 00:32:28,339 Now... 550 00:32:30,748 --> 00:32:33,308 What do you think? 551 00:32:33,351 --> 00:32:35,444 - These are all the pieces? - Uh-huh. 552 00:32:36,988 --> 00:32:38,979 That's it, then. 553 00:32:39,023 --> 00:32:42,515 Well, apart from the breaks we made there's not a mark on. 554 00:32:42,560 --> 00:32:46,189 So... the pig has never been opened. 555 00:32:46,230 --> 00:32:49,791 The note was inside the pig when it was made, as the inscription says. 556 00:32:50,668 --> 00:32:52,898 - Thank you. - And my finder's fee? 557 00:32:53,705 --> 00:32:57,038 If you think I'm paying you, you're crazy. 558 00:32:57,075 --> 00:32:59,600 You destroyed my property. 559 00:32:59,644 --> 00:33:02,112 And made you a very rich man in the process. 560 00:33:02,146 --> 00:33:06,845 Oh, marvelous. I suppose if you burgled my house, 561 00:33:06,884 --> 00:33:09,375 which I consider quite possible, 562 00:33:09,420 --> 00:33:11,980 you'd ask for the insurance money. 563 00:33:12,657 --> 00:33:15,649 The agreement was two per cent commission on the sale price. 564 00:33:15,693 --> 00:33:18,958 Ah. On the pig. Ah! 565 00:33:19,664 --> 00:33:22,724 As it happens, there it is. 566 00:33:23,801 --> 00:33:26,133 Take 100 percent. 567 00:33:31,709 --> 00:33:33,700 Now, that is an advance. 568 00:33:44,288 --> 00:33:46,756 - (Knocking) - (Jane) Eric. 569 00:33:47,725 --> 00:33:49,750 - (Knocking) - Eric? 570 00:33:49,794 --> 00:33:52,262 Miss Glendenning's here. 571 00:33:52,296 --> 00:33:54,696 Oh, bloody hell, I hope she doesn't want to come in here. 572 00:33:54,732 --> 00:33:57,132 We wondered if we could come in, Natasha and I. 573 00:33:57,168 --> 00:33:58,692 Just a minute! 574 00:33:58,736 --> 00:34:00,795 (Natasha) What's he up to in there? 575 00:34:03,875 --> 00:34:05,866 What have you been doing to my bike? 576 00:34:05,910 --> 00:34:07,810 Hello, I was gonna ring you. (Chuckles) 577 00:34:07,845 --> 00:34:11,508 - You've taken the engine out! - I was just giving it a bit of a clean. 578 00:34:11,549 --> 00:34:14,347 - With a hacksaw? - Uh, well, it was nothing major. 579 00:34:15,153 --> 00:34:17,417 - You've taken the wheels off! - Yeah. Yeah, I know. 580 00:34:18,322 --> 00:34:20,847 - And the forks! - I know, but it's not what you think. 581 00:34:20,892 --> 00:34:25,124 - And the petrol tank! - Yeah. Yeah, look, come here. 582 00:34:25,163 --> 00:34:27,324 - You... - Come here and listen for a moment. 583 00:34:30,601 --> 00:34:34,162 Now, I think we can make something really special of this bike. 584 00:34:34,205 --> 00:34:36,639 D'you remember what you said about Lawrence of Arabia? 585 00:34:36,674 --> 00:34:39,336 - Yeah. - Right. Well, I've got a... 586 00:34:41,012 --> 00:34:42,673 (Inaudible) 587 00:34:43,714 --> 00:34:45,705 Yes, it's a fake. 588 00:34:45,750 --> 00:34:48,150 All the tests on the pig confirm that it's genuine. 589 00:34:48,186 --> 00:34:49,949 A genuine fake. 590 00:34:49,987 --> 00:34:52,080 - Well, it's a 14th-century copy of... - Ow! 591 00:34:54,358 --> 00:34:56,223 It's even better than a Xi'an Dong Ling Tse. 592 00:34:56,260 --> 00:34:59,661 We're a bank. Now we have our own Sung dynasty bank note. 593 00:34:59,697 --> 00:35:01,961 The London office is buzzing. 594 00:35:01,999 --> 00:35:03,990 Beijing has no original yuan. 595 00:35:04,035 --> 00:35:06,094 And we've got no original finder's fee. 596 00:35:06,137 --> 00:35:08,867 Well, that is something between you and Sir Desmond. 597 00:35:11,109 --> 00:35:14,169 - Who's provenancing the note? - We are. Oh, but it's academic. 598 00:35:14,212 --> 00:35:16,908 - The inscription guarantees it. - Have you checked the X-rays 599 00:35:16,948 --> 00:35:18,347 - on the terracotta? - Oh, yes. 600 00:35:18,382 --> 00:35:20,577 It was in perfect condition before the accident 601 00:35:20,618 --> 00:35:22,813 and 14th century, as you said. 602 00:35:22,854 --> 00:35:25,379 And the bank note? You've carbon-dated the paper? 603 00:35:26,124 --> 00:35:28,115 And destroy a part of the note? 604 00:35:28,159 --> 00:35:30,150 Mr. Chow would explode. 605 00:35:30,194 --> 00:35:33,459 Besides, there's the forger's mark. Current treasure. 606 00:35:33,498 --> 00:35:36,729 The note was in the pig. It's like finding a fortune cookie. 607 00:35:36,767 --> 00:35:39,065 And losing a f... ortune. 608 00:35:39,103 --> 00:35:41,162 We are grateful to you both. 609 00:35:41,205 --> 00:35:44,140 Paper money that old is extremely rare. 610 00:35:44,175 --> 00:35:46,336 The new stuff doesn't grow on trees, either. 611 00:35:46,377 --> 00:35:49,778 We cannot get a payment to you authorized through the bank. I'm sorry. 612 00:35:49,814 --> 00:35:51,805 But Mr. Chow thought... 613 00:35:52,783 --> 00:35:55,411 Well, he wanted me to give you... 614 00:35:55,453 --> 00:35:57,648 He thought it might be a good idea if... 615 00:35:58,923 --> 00:36:01,323 Come on, out with it, out with it. 616 00:36:01,359 --> 00:36:06,228 - What's he sent us? - Some... fresh bamboo shoots. 617 00:36:06,264 --> 00:36:07,754 As a matter of fact. 618 00:36:08,799 --> 00:36:10,790 (Speaks Chinese) 619 00:36:10,835 --> 00:36:12,826 (Replies in Chinese) 620 00:36:12,870 --> 00:36:14,861 (Heated exchange) 621 00:36:15,640 --> 00:36:18,803 (Yells) I don't care who he is. He's still a stupid prat! 622 00:36:18,843 --> 00:36:21,835 Quiet, please. This is a hospital, not a trade fair. 623 00:36:21,879 --> 00:36:24,677 - I'm sorry. - Just keep the noise down. 624 00:36:24,715 --> 00:36:27,878 What next? Egg fried rice and prawn crackers? 625 00:36:28,686 --> 00:36:30,711 You can stick your bamboo shoots! 626 00:36:30,755 --> 00:36:32,916 That's exactly what Mr. Chow thought. 627 00:36:35,993 --> 00:36:38,052 For your itch. 628 00:36:46,737 --> 00:36:48,398 Neither of you thought of that. 629 00:36:50,374 --> 00:36:52,035 Oh... 630 00:36:52,743 --> 00:36:55,940 Hoo... It's fantastic! 631 00:36:55,980 --> 00:36:58,175 Oh, ho, ho. 632 00:36:58,216 --> 00:37:00,241 Everybody else brought me flowers. 633 00:37:00,284 --> 00:37:02,844 - Shall I fetch a vase? - Yes, please. 634 00:37:03,721 --> 00:37:06,690 Plenty of water. We don't want the leaves to drop off. 635 00:37:25,009 --> 00:37:27,000 (Rock music, hammering metal) 636 00:37:34,085 --> 00:37:36,849 Eric. Eric! 637 00:37:40,391 --> 00:37:42,052 (Music stops) 638 00:37:42,093 --> 00:37:47,497 Eric. We've been checking into that... old bank note for Lovejoy. 639 00:37:47,531 --> 00:37:49,590 Looks like quite a find. 640 00:37:50,468 --> 00:37:52,095 Tinker. 641 00:37:53,504 --> 00:37:54,903 Eric... 642 00:37:55,873 --> 00:37:57,864 we're a little concerned... 643 00:37:58,776 --> 00:38:02,177 about this old motorbike that you want to sell. 644 00:38:03,381 --> 00:38:05,076 Where is it? 645 00:38:05,116 --> 00:38:07,880 - Here. - Ah. 646 00:38:07,918 --> 00:38:12,184 And here. And here. And the wheels are over here. 647 00:38:12,223 --> 00:38:14,214 Well, so he hasn't lost it. 648 00:38:14,258 --> 00:38:16,749 Look, I've told you, I know what I'm doing. 649 00:38:16,794 --> 00:38:18,887 Lovejoy always said I should have my own field. 650 00:38:18,929 --> 00:38:21,625 (Laughs) That was before you drove him into the middle of one. 651 00:38:21,666 --> 00:38:23,759 - Look, I've told you... - Now, now, you two. 652 00:38:23,801 --> 00:38:26,736 We've got a business to run between us. We must all pull together. 653 00:38:26,771 --> 00:38:28,762 - Or else there'll be no business left. - Yeah. 654 00:38:28,806 --> 00:38:30,933 Now, according to this book, 655 00:38:30,975 --> 00:38:36,379 this bank note that Jane... found at the hospital is fascinating. 656 00:38:36,414 --> 00:38:39,315 It's the right size, the right stamps. 657 00:38:39,350 --> 00:38:42,285 We'd have to have a carbon test nowadays, of course. 658 00:38:42,320 --> 00:38:46,552 Numismatics is a precise science. Would you like to look? 659 00:38:46,590 --> 00:38:49,218 No, thanks. I couldn't do the old mismatics. Heh, heh. 660 00:38:49,927 --> 00:38:52,418 Numismatics has to do with money. 661 00:38:52,463 --> 00:38:55,955 Well, then, you'd know all about it, then, wouldn't you, Lady Jane? 662 00:38:56,000 --> 00:38:58,059 Thank you, Eric. 663 00:38:58,102 --> 00:39:02,596 We thought we might bring in an expert on Chinese numismatics, Eric. 664 00:39:02,640 --> 00:39:05,575 And look whose name heads the list. 665 00:39:05,609 --> 00:39:07,577 Sir Desmond Clark. 666 00:39:12,049 --> 00:39:14,517 Victorian florins. 667 00:39:17,755 --> 00:39:21,384 - Are these easy to get hold of? - They're all over the place. 668 00:39:21,425 --> 00:39:24,622 - A bit like this bike. - Yeah. Well... 669 00:39:25,329 --> 00:39:27,763 I'll need a bit more money to sort it out. 670 00:39:27,798 --> 00:39:29,356 How much? 671 00:39:29,400 --> 00:39:32,494 About two florins. And a British Army swagger stick. 672 00:39:35,473 --> 00:39:37,464 (Music on) 673 00:39:41,178 --> 00:39:43,373 So, what am I supposed to do with these? 674 00:39:43,414 --> 00:39:45,575 Run out and find a panda. 675 00:39:49,387 --> 00:39:50,820 Right... 676 00:39:52,156 --> 00:39:55,523 - What's all this? - I'm going to cure your itch. 677 00:39:56,827 --> 00:39:58,294 (High-pitched buzzing) 678 00:39:59,330 --> 00:40:01,321 Maybe I could learn to live with it. 679 00:40:05,136 --> 00:40:07,127 Now, keep still, Lovejoy. 680 00:40:07,972 --> 00:40:09,098 (Drilling) 681 00:40:15,179 --> 00:40:17,170 (Drill off) 682 00:40:27,291 --> 00:40:30,454 - What does that do? - Haven't you heard of microsurgery? 683 00:40:47,278 --> 00:40:49,269 (Crunching apple) 684 00:40:58,589 --> 00:41:00,921 Ooh... Aa-aah... 685 00:41:04,495 --> 00:41:06,486 (Engine revving) 686 00:41:06,530 --> 00:41:08,521 (Clanking) 687 00:41:11,836 --> 00:41:14,771 We're in luck. Ha-ha! 688 00:41:15,806 --> 00:41:17,933 He only wants 200 for it. 689 00:41:17,975 --> 00:41:22,071 You already had an engine. Why did you have to smash up the first one? 690 00:41:22,112 --> 00:41:24,103 Well, it was an antique, wasn't it? 691 00:41:24,148 --> 00:41:27,140 Worth thousands of pounds. Obviously, I'm gonna smash it to pieces. 692 00:41:27,184 --> 00:41:29,311 - Did I question your judgment? - Huh! 693 00:41:29,353 --> 00:41:33,119 Oh, cheer up, it's only money. It's not as if he was attached to it. 694 00:41:33,157 --> 00:41:34,886 Unlike his legs. 695 00:41:34,925 --> 00:41:37,416 The consultant's very pleased with you. 696 00:41:37,461 --> 00:41:39,452 Of course, he doesn't have to work on the ward. 697 00:41:40,698 --> 00:41:44,498 And he'd be pleased with anyone who's a friend of Sir Desmond Clark. 698 00:41:44,535 --> 00:41:47,993 Contacts in high places and rapid recovery. 699 00:41:48,038 --> 00:41:51,201 You're beginning to look like the perfect patient. 700 00:41:51,242 --> 00:41:54,541 What's the prize? A free operation? 701 00:41:54,578 --> 00:41:56,637 No, no, you're the prize. 702 00:41:56,680 --> 00:41:59,114 The mark of a good surgeon is that he doesn't leave one, 703 00:41:59,149 --> 00:42:00,912 so who notices? 704 00:42:00,951 --> 00:42:04,216 But with Sir Desmond around it gives my boss someone to impress. 705 00:42:04,255 --> 00:42:05,813 I know what you mean. 706 00:42:05,856 --> 00:42:09,792 I once renovated a Regency staircase for a family of real philistines. 707 00:42:10,594 --> 00:42:12,585 Waste of time until I met the nanny. 708 00:42:12,630 --> 00:42:15,190 - What, she understood antiques? - No, she lived upstairs. 709 00:42:17,935 --> 00:42:20,301 There's no hole. 710 00:42:20,337 --> 00:42:24,671 I can't see the hole in the plaster where you drilled out the bamboo. 711 00:42:24,708 --> 00:42:27,677 Well, that's microsurgery. It wouldn't show up on an X-ray. 712 00:42:28,879 --> 00:42:31,677 The mark of a good surgeon is he doesn't leave one. 713 00:42:56,774 --> 00:42:58,867 I don't know why Lovejoy sent you. 714 00:42:59,677 --> 00:43:01,872 My dealings with him are over 715 00:43:01,912 --> 00:43:06,372 and I never had any... business with you in the first place. 716 00:43:06,417 --> 00:43:08,408 This is quite a collection. 717 00:43:08,452 --> 00:43:10,750 Are these Xi'an Dong Ling Tse or fakes? 718 00:43:11,555 --> 00:43:13,785 They're all 14th century. 719 00:43:14,525 --> 00:43:16,789 And you've never been tempted to open them up? 720 00:43:16,827 --> 00:43:18,818 Be careful with that! 721 00:43:19,563 --> 00:43:23,795 They'd make quite a piggy-bank. Perhaps enough to cover our finder's fee. 722 00:43:25,502 --> 00:43:27,493 We've been through all that. 723 00:43:28,906 --> 00:43:30,897 Is this a threat? 724 00:43:32,476 --> 00:43:36,037 Are you trying to put the squeeze on me? 725 00:43:36,080 --> 00:43:38,480 What a disgusting prospect. 726 00:43:42,486 --> 00:43:44,147 You idiot! 727 00:43:45,689 --> 00:43:47,657 Oh... I'll sue you. 728 00:43:48,859 --> 00:43:51,089 Get out! Both of you! Out! 729 00:43:53,063 --> 00:43:55,827 (Doctor) Right. It's all yours. 730 00:43:57,101 --> 00:43:59,194 Up, down. 731 00:44:00,104 --> 00:44:02,265 Left, right. 732 00:44:03,173 --> 00:44:04,538 Great. 733 00:44:07,277 --> 00:44:11,145 - How do you spell "Kilroy"? - Just make sure it's in Chinese. 734 00:44:24,928 --> 00:44:27,362 (Natasha) Eric, I never thought I'd say this, 735 00:44:27,398 --> 00:44:29,730 but you really know what you're doing. 736 00:44:30,768 --> 00:44:32,759 (Eric) Thank you, Natasha. 737 00:44:32,803 --> 00:44:35,704 You can see now why I couldn't stop when you asked me to. 738 00:44:35,739 --> 00:44:38,674 (Natasha) Mm. I never imagined it could be like this. 739 00:44:39,576 --> 00:44:43,012 (Eric) Well, you've never had more than a bit of touching up before, have you? 740 00:44:43,047 --> 00:44:46,676 (Natasha) I hope we haven't gone too far. I mean, you're sure it's safe? 741 00:44:46,717 --> 00:44:50,278 Well, it's a lot safer than an... antique trike 742 00:44:50,320 --> 00:44:54,848 with half the nuts missing... Natasha. 743 00:44:57,194 --> 00:45:00,163 And, as you say, I know what I'm doing. 744 00:45:04,968 --> 00:45:07,562 Would you uh... like a biscuit? 745 00:45:09,339 --> 00:45:11,534 I don't care how many visitors he's got! 746 00:45:12,409 --> 00:45:14,775 It's the visitors he sends that I object to. 747 00:45:14,812 --> 00:45:16,473 He's trying to rest. 748 00:45:16,513 --> 00:45:20,745 Yes. Yes, he's trying to wrest £60,000 from me... 749 00:45:22,486 --> 00:45:25,250 by the worst kind of extortion. 750 00:45:25,289 --> 00:45:27,621 That's the courtesies over with. 751 00:45:32,596 --> 00:45:35,292 Sir Desmond, what are you doing here? 752 00:45:36,366 --> 00:45:40,666 I've come to stop these people destroying my property! 753 00:45:40,704 --> 00:45:42,899 You mean this property? 754 00:45:43,707 --> 00:45:45,971 - It can't be. - Take a look. 755 00:45:52,716 --> 00:45:55,879 Yes. It's my pig. 756 00:45:55,919 --> 00:45:58,911 (Tuts) Jane, you told me you found it at Xi'an Dong Ling Tse. 757 00:46:00,124 --> 00:46:02,558 They stole it from my collection! 758 00:46:03,494 --> 00:46:05,724 It's a 14th-century copy. 759 00:46:05,763 --> 00:46:07,628 (Speaks Chinese) 760 00:46:08,899 --> 00:46:10,491 It's mine. 761 00:46:11,535 --> 00:46:15,130 Now all you need... is somebody to smash it for you. 762 00:46:37,194 --> 00:46:39,185 It's a motorbike! 763 00:46:41,031 --> 00:46:43,795 Oh, for heaven's sake. We didn't invent motorbikes. 764 00:46:46,737 --> 00:46:49,865 The symbol for bone. And for china. 765 00:46:51,308 --> 00:46:54,675 - Bone china? - My tibia. Your bank. 766 00:46:55,379 --> 00:46:58,906 If you buy the one-yuan note, they'll both be broke. 767 00:46:58,949 --> 00:47:02,407 - How did this happen? - Same way we cured Lovejoy's itch. 768 00:47:02,452 --> 00:47:04,511 Microsurgery. 769 00:47:06,723 --> 00:47:10,284 In my opinion, the one-yuan is a forgery. 770 00:47:11,061 --> 00:47:14,724 I think it should be carbon dated. Don't you? 771 00:47:17,634 --> 00:47:18,862 Ooh! Agh. 772 00:47:20,704 --> 00:47:23,229 Ooh... It's my ankle. 773 00:47:23,907 --> 00:47:26,239 If anything's broken, Sir Desmond, 774 00:47:26,276 --> 00:47:29,439 I'm sure Dr. Pilger would be delighted to help. 775 00:47:36,620 --> 00:47:38,178 (Sighs contentedly) 776 00:47:40,490 --> 00:47:42,117 Air... at last. 777 00:47:42,159 --> 00:47:44,093 I don't know what he's got to complain about. 778 00:47:44,127 --> 00:47:46,561 He's been in bed a week. He's normally very keen on that. 779 00:47:46,597 --> 00:47:48,588 Not when I'm immobile from the waist down. 780 00:47:48,632 --> 00:47:52,227 - It could wreck his reputation. - What about his professional reputation? 781 00:47:52,269 --> 00:47:54,430 He's just prevented an international swindle. 782 00:47:54,471 --> 00:47:56,405 His standing's never been so high. 783 00:47:56,440 --> 00:47:58,465 My standing has never been more painful, Eric. 784 00:48:01,879 --> 00:48:03,870 (Eric clears throat) 785 00:48:06,250 --> 00:48:08,741 - (Lovejoy) Eric... - Calm down, Lovejoy. 786 00:48:08,785 --> 00:48:10,650 Eric can handle this. 787 00:48:11,455 --> 00:48:13,787 - Where's the bike? - It's round the back. 788 00:48:13,824 --> 00:48:16,622 - D'you want a coffee or tea or anything? - I see it now. 789 00:48:16,660 --> 00:48:18,651 Fair enough. Natasha! 790 00:48:21,865 --> 00:48:25,301 - Who's this? - She's the owner of Eric's Brough. 791 00:48:25,335 --> 00:48:28,668 Part owner. I'm just not sure which part. 792 00:48:32,509 --> 00:48:35,774 Mein Gott. It is. 793 00:48:44,154 --> 00:48:48,215 - Is what? - It's... an SS100, as you said. 794 00:48:48,258 --> 00:48:50,590 - 19... - (Jane) 32. 795 00:48:51,895 --> 00:48:53,328 - He's noticed the dent. - Dent? 796 00:48:53,363 --> 00:48:55,354 We were gonna straighten that out. 797 00:48:55,399 --> 00:48:58,266 We think someone must have come over the handlebars. 798 00:48:58,302 --> 00:49:00,497 Someone. 799 00:49:00,537 --> 00:49:03,062 Oh, we can take that off for you. It's been customized. 800 00:49:03,106 --> 00:49:05,097 - By someone. - Yeah, probably. 801 00:49:05,142 --> 00:49:07,133 He put a pillion pad on the rear mudguard. 802 00:49:07,177 --> 00:49:08,644 Extra fork. 803 00:49:08,679 --> 00:49:10,670 Except that's not a fork. It's a stick. 804 00:49:12,950 --> 00:49:15,976 - A British Army swagger stick. - Well, there you are, then. 805 00:49:16,019 --> 00:49:18,715 - Probably belonged to um... - Someone. 806 00:49:21,525 --> 00:49:24,551 It's no good. We can't go on with this pretence. 807 00:49:24,594 --> 00:49:28,587 - Oh, why can't we? - Because he'll find out eventually. 808 00:49:28,632 --> 00:49:31,066 (Tinker) Oh, go on then, Eric. Tell him. 809 00:49:32,669 --> 00:49:34,660 There's a rattle in the fuel tank. 810 00:49:40,444 --> 00:49:44,642 - Where did you find this machine? - It's mine. I'm from Bovington in Dorset. 811 00:49:44,681 --> 00:49:48,082 - D'you know it? - Near the old army camp? 812 00:49:48,118 --> 00:49:50,518 Quite near, yeah. 813 00:49:50,554 --> 00:49:54,285 - You had a price in mind? - I think we should renovate it first. 814 00:49:55,125 --> 00:49:58,026 - Or just use it for spares. - 30,000, take it or leave it. 815 00:49:58,061 --> 00:50:00,188 - How much? - Ow! 816 00:50:00,230 --> 00:50:02,698 I don't believe it. 817 00:50:02,733 --> 00:50:05,600 All right. 33. But that's my final offer. 818 00:50:06,670 --> 00:50:08,160 Done. 819 00:50:09,206 --> 00:50:12,801 I get my checkbook... Mr. Catchpole. 820 00:50:13,877 --> 00:50:16,710 (In unison) "Mr. Catchpole"? 821 00:50:16,747 --> 00:50:20,376 As long as you don't expect everyone to call you Mr. Catchpole. 822 00:50:20,417 --> 00:50:23,147 Oh, no, Eric will do. Plain, old Eric. 823 00:50:23,954 --> 00:50:26,081 Of Arabia. Heh heh heh.